Beauty in Transparency.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” 

― C.S Lewis. The Four Loves

When I first heard the quote above from C.S Lewis, I didn’t quite understand it. His words struck me, and caught me off guard. As I pondered this quote, God began to show me a lot about vulnerability and transparency. 

Being open and transparent with people is hard, even to the people you love the most. Why do we find it so difficult? Is it fear of rejection, or possible hurt? Fear of what will come about once you reveal the depths of your heart?

 My personality is very open, and bubbly. I love talking with people over a cup of coffee, and having heart to hearts. Its something I enjoy tremendously! But I have a hard time talking about my struggles with eating. I fear being this open with people, even those closest to me. But God started to convict me of this.

When I gave this area of my life to the Lord, I knew the moment came to where I had to be real. vulnerable. I had to let people in. I needed people in my life to ask me the hard questions, and be that accountability I needed. Be the friend to pray with and share with. I’ve heard it said like this, we were created in community for community. We need community. We need fellowship. We need others. As women, we need lives to lock arms with. There was something so freeing about the conversations I had with other people about my struggles. And what made it so precious was that they understood, and wanted to help me through this journey of mine. There is so much healing in allowing people in, sometimes it will hurt and be hard. But often times I find, when it gets harder, greater will the amount of healing be in the end. 

God wants to bring those people in your life, He wants you free and full of joy. Proverbs 27:17 - As iron sharpens iron, So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend. We need one another to build each other up, to love on, and to grow. we need community. First it started with being transparent with Him, then comes with those around you. God never meant for us to be isolated, and kept in the secrecy of our own heart. He wants us to be open, transparent and vulnerable. He was open, and vulnerable for us. He wants to know us. He wants to know you. There is so much freedom and beauty in transparency. 

Be free, be open, be vulnerable, be who God wants you to be. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PEcvRKsmeoE  

The Video above is one of my most favorite Spoken Word videos from Jefferson Bethke. This Spoken Word encouraged me to be at that place of transparency with others! I hope you too, are encouraged. 

Freedom Found in the Truth.

As my struggle with eating went on God started to soften my heart. His conviction of my sin became louder and clearer. I started to see the truth and the true fifth of the lies I was believing. 

As I continued bundling things up inside, I started to see it destroying me more, making me cold and weak. My mind felt dark and depressed. I had no joy. No thanksgiving. - Oh, I had a smile on my face and seemed cheery as I talked with my friends, but leaving I always felt hopeless and enslaved. I remember vividly a prayer I prayed to the Lord one day… “Lord, I feel so alone. I know I’m trapped in this cycle of not eating enough because I’m completely terrified of gaining weight. I want to fit in. I want to look like the beautiful girls. I want a guy to notice me. I feel as though I’m in a dark room, with no light, and I can’t get out. No one understands. There’s no way I can tell anyone that could really help me either—I’m ashamed. Embarrassed. I mean, I’m a youth leader. I’m supposed to have it all together. I’m supposed to be leading other girls and helping them through their struggles. Jesus, Help me.”

Finally, the Lord intervened. Yes, the Lord had been there the entire time. His heart hurt every time I idolized eating. Every time I didn’t eat something out of fear. Every time I believed a lie in my head about how skinny is beautiful. Every time I ran to controlling my food, instead of trusting Him. He had been there—with arms open wide, wanting me to come to Him. 

 My journey with eating was long. But the moment I surrendered and -brought it to the light- God freed me. I am so thankful for our Lord Jesus who loved me so much that He pursued me in my mess and came to my rescue. He didn’t let me stay in the filth of my sin. Yes, it was humbling. Yes, it was hard, and yes sometimes I fell right back into it. But slowly, He loosened my grip and freed me from my desire to control. He set me free. Our God is a God who frees us. By His power, we can truly live. I have to be honest with you—I still have to fight. I still have to choose to believe in His truth about my body image. Some days more than others. But I’m not a slave anymore. I know the truth, and when I am tempted—I know where to run. I have treasured His word in my heart and know how to overcome the lies that Satan and the world and my own flesh throw at me. And when I do fall, or start to realize a lie I am believing, I quickly run to Him, and ask His help, remember the Spirit’s power in me. As one who has walked this rugged path, I can assure you, there is freedom found in the truth. 

God started to bring me right to His word and started to reveal all His precious promises to me. I was soon in such awe by His compassion and love toward His children. I think its absolutely crazy just how much God has to say about us in His word. He speaks of us being a special treasure to Him, chosen, bought with a great price, of great value, we are His workmanship made in His image, His beloved. We are HIS BRIDE. How beautiful is that. And the list goes on some. We belong to a mighty King who pursues us daily, chasing after our hearts. 

You remember the picture I put in my previous post? Well, here it is again, but this time the original picture is next to it. 

Now look closely at it. On the cover she is flawless. No imperfections. Now, take a look at the original picture. You see a difference? One is made perfect by computers and editing programs, and the other is simply beautiful because its fully her. See, here is the thing. The world has distorted our image of beauty. The world tells us we need to be skinny to be pretty, perfectly made up to be wanted, and fake to be accepted. But, Jesus. Jesus says none of that matters to me. He made you in His image and called it good. God, Almighty Creator, made US in HIS image. Let that sink into the depths of your heart for a minute. 

If I look back on my journey, and look a little deeper, when I look at the heart. The reason I fell into this trap was because, I didn’t truly believe God loved me. I didn’t believe God loved me, wanted me, cherished me, saved me, covered me with His love, and called me for His purpose. But He was faithful, throughout this to show me who I am, and who I belong to. That is Him. Jesus, through this trial showed me the glory and power in His name, the freedom in His truth, and the presence of His love. Now, I know who I am, and who I belong to, and where my security is. I know this love that came to set me free.  

God wants you to have freedom from your bondage. God wants you to know HIS Love for you. Its precious, sweet, and unconditional. Its pure, gentle and compassionate. Do you believe He loves you?

Do you believe there is hope?

There is healing.

There is power in the name of Jesus.

There is freedom.

Jesus came to set us free.

Are you free? 

Do you believe YOU are LOVED? 

Jeremiah 31:3 - The Lord has appeared of old to me, saying: “Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you.

Galatians 5:1 - Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage.

John 8:32 - And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

Prisoner to the Lies.

This is the start of a three day series in finding victory in the dark seasons of your life. God brought me out of a dark season of deception and lies. He gave me freedom in the truth. So here I am. I pray this encourages you and brings you hope in Jesus and in the season of life you may be in. 

I started walking with the Lord when I was 14 years old. I felt this new breath of life. This freshness. This beauty I had never felt before. God started to grab hold of my heart. The season of transformation began to take place. But as time went on, life got hard, my walk with Jesus became harder. I didn’t know how to handle the stress of life. I started to drift away from the truth I had hidden in my heart. I started to fall into the enemies trap of lies and deception. And he caught me where he catches most girls. Their image. I gave into the deceiving image of what true beauty was. 

I never really had body image issues until I was about 16 years old. The enemy had thrown so many lies into my mind. I became weak, cold and bitter toward myself. I became deep into the bondage of my sin. Because of this, I had developed an eating disorder around the age of 17. It started as more of a mental issue, putting myself down and discouraging myself. But it wasn’t long before I acted upon those thoughts and meals became less and less. My thoughts controlled me, the idea of gaining an ounce brought me to the edge of my anxiety.

You see this picture above? Pearly white teeth. Perfect highlights and wind blown hair. Not a pimple or wrinkle on her face. She’s skinny. She is perfect, don't you think? This is what the world thinks of true beauty. And I fell so deep into believing this was the truth. This is Beautiful. 

Although it had started off as wanting to be beautiful, I had bought into the lie that beauty = skinny, the root really became that I wanted to be in control. Counting my calories, and choosing only certain food, fed my pride. I could control it. I could manage my weight by choosing not to eat something. When something in my life was out of my control—not having a boyfriend, friend problems, overwhelmed with daily tasks—there was one place I ran that I could control, eating. I kept running to Jesus and asking Him for help with this, but I still never fully surrendered. I never fully trusted. Instead, I did things my way and with a tight fist, chose what to eat and what not to eat.

For about 2 years, this eating disorder controlled me. Yes, I had some days or seasons that were better than others, but nevertheless I was a slave to it. 

The world grabbed me, and its false image. I was chasing lies. Chasing something that only caused more brokenness. I had been running toward something so unrealistic, I couldn’t even remember where my true identity was found. Was it in the changing trends every six months? Was it the number on the scale? Was it by how many eyes I could catch? Was it in finding acceptance? How about, how can I look like her on the magazine cover? I fell into the danger of comparison. Often times as women, I think that's something we struggle with the most, is comparing ourselves to other women, like their personality and their body image. And the more we desire to be like these other women, we find ourselves trying to become a copy of them, changing our attitude, the way we dress, talk, and feel. We become somebody else. I became somebody else. I wasn’t myself. I lost my identity to the girls I was trying to compare myself too. This journey was long and hard. I didn’t let anyone in. It was me and the weight of brokenness and fear. I was a prisoner to the lies.

 But God after time started to soften my heart. He started to show me who I am.

Come Back tomorrow, and find out how to find Freedom in the truth. and How God had grabbed me out of the bondage of my sin. 

About me.

Me. 

 

Oh, how I would just love to sit down over a cup of coffee with you, have a heart to heart on life and everything that comes with it. But, since we don't have that kind of time, let me just briefly tell you about myself.


   I'm Christina, my life is consumed around Jesus, family, and ministry. Jesus is my everything and the sole person who my life revolves around. He saved me from the darkness of this world, and brought me into the light of life with Him. As you read further posts on my blog, you'll see more about Jesus, and how He has changed my life so dramatically. My family is a huge part of my life, I love spending time with them and creating sweet memories with them. I may have a very dysfunctional one, but I wouldn't have it any other way! - hehe! Ministry is my life. I love people, and walking through this journey we call life with them along their side. Encouraging, and loving on them the way I've been taught by Jesus. Jesus loves me, showed me His grace. I want to share the same love and grace with everyone around me.

My life is a roller coaster. That's the best way I can describe it to you. It has its high moments, of sweet, joyful times, moments full of laughter and giggles and smiles, where everything seems perfect. And it has its low, twists and turns of moments where its messy, challenging, heart aching, and difficult. But, I count it all joy, with gladness, knowing it all works together in the end. Jesus holds my world in His hand and makes it go round. He's brought me from season to season, from mountain top to valley, to grow and shape me. and He always brings me to His love.


Just some sweet moments that capture my life.

I love reading my Bible and journaling. - and Of course their is always coffee ;)

Dancing is another huge part of my life. From getting trained up, I now teach it!

I love going out into God's beautiful creation!

When You Take a Second to Stop and Listen.

   I’m so happy to be writing to you guys again. I’ve missed pouring my heart out to you and allowing you to come along side me on my crazy life journey. God has been growing me so much since last time we talked. I had just got back from a weekend retreat in Big Bear, CA. God had done some amazing things on that trip. He grew me so much in that short time. He didn’t cease to stop after that.

  Time sure does fly by!! I’ve been realizing more and more life is like a vapor. The moment is here and then, poof! its gone in a second. From last time I wrote to you, I was still in high school juggling the stress of getting school done and figuring out what was next. Well, I finally graduated. I finished high school. It’s crazy to think that part of my life is done and over with. Going from year to year with the same routine. It was never really a big deal when you finished the year, because you were only going back to it 3 months later. That all changes after you graduate. All of a sudden, that routine is broken, and adulthood is standing in front of you. So much uncertainty, so much before you. its overwhelming. You’re out of your comfort zone, you now have to make the hard, and difficult decisions. I knew once I finished high school, my life was going to change. But, I could’t let myself go wayward, or grow weary. I had to remember what my security was in, my confidence, and my faith. I had to remember Jesus in this moment. I needed Jesus. 

Soon, after I graduated I started working pretty much full time, and getting involved in ministry full time. Things got crazy, real fast. I went to La Gloria, Mexico for a missions trip. It was one thing after the other. But, Mexico was Gods way of telling me to sit and pause. Yes, missions trips are often busy, crazy, you never know what to expect in your day. The only thing you do know, is you never stop moving. God showed me something a little different on this trip. Take life moment by moment. Step by step. Word for word. And breath by breath. In the midst of busy pace schedules, where you feel like time never stops, you look for opportunities in the times in between to stop and sit, listen. But, I’ve come to find that the sweetest of times with my Savior are the times I’m not looking for them. Where Jesus meets you. 

  I think of a story we hear in the Bible. In John 4, we hear about of the woman at the well. Here, we see this woman, everyday life, busy schedule, in the midst of her daily routine. Jesus. Jesus finds her. He stops to talk with her, He meets her in her midst. She’s so caught up in life, her chores, and daily routine she’s missing who she's talking with. Are we missing those times in our life Jesus is talking directly to us because we are distracted by what life is throwing all around us? 

  God showed me in Mexico, to just stop and listen to His voice. To step back and let Him lead me. Its so easy when life gets crazy to run ahead of God. But, when we run ahead and we look back, we see all the missed opportunities. I don’t know about you, but when I took a second to look back, my heart was burdened, and sorrowful when I realized the possible conversations or divine appointments I missed, because I was leading myself. 

You don't need to look around to find Him, He's right there. Ready to take your hand in this journey of life and lead you. He's ready to walk along your side and show you the beauty of what life with Him looks like.

 Let Jesus meet you today. He’s knocking at your heart, trying to step through and lead you. What’s holding you back from Him? 

Brokenness for Beauty.

 

 

 

Healing takes place, when the realization of hurt is made known to self

and to the Healer.

 

These past few weeks, I have come to understand brokenness, and how it’s not necessarily a burden. Now, don’t get me wrong being broken is painful, but out of it comes beauty, and the incredible feeling of healing. Let me explain.

It’s a new year! How exciting, new years resolutions, the starting of a new year, a new you! You start out the year, with the attitude, “THIS is going to be THE year.” “THIS year will be better than last year.” and you have such high expectations on what this year will hold, you’ve started to plan things out, you have an idea on what you think your year will hold, what it will look like. Now, if you’re anything like me, you did exactly what I explained above, and actually believed it. I went into this year, with expectations as high as the tallest mountain. I was content with the idea I had of my year. Content, what a dangerous word. When we are content, that should be a warning label for us, a warning that discomfort, and trail, and the time of stretching and growing is about to take place. And that’s exactly what happen. I became content with where I was. Because I was “in control” of what was going on. I was arranging plans, and organizing my year, I had my own plan going on. I had figured out who my “future husband” was, I had planned out what college I was going to attend, I had decided what ministry I was going to be in. I had it all figured out. So I thought. New years day hits, I find out one of my family members is becoming greatly sick. A week rolls out, The lord shows me, my “future husband” isn’t interested and He has someone else for me. The next day, the Lord shows me more about college. Few days later He shows me to step down from that ministry. So in a matter of 10 days, He caused a complete 180 to happen to my future. I all of a sudden became broken, scared, worried, terrified, and completely shaken, because I started to take control. I became content. We were not meant to be in control. We were not meant to be content in life. We’re made to be stretched, to live in abandonment, to serve the Lord. To trust in the plan HE has laid out before us. In the matter of these two weeks, I became very bitter and broken down. I became miserable, hurt, and lonely. Very empty. I bundled everything up in side. Hoping it would all disappear on its own, I wouldn’t have to confront the mess which laid in front of my very own eyes. The mess in my heart.

I went on a youth retreat with my youth group up in Big Bear, CA and we joined up with another youth group there. The retreat was themed “Encounter” and the word Encounter means, to unexpectedly experience or to be faced with (Something difficult). Or to meet (someone) unexpectedly. A confrontation. Now, going to this retreat, I had no idea what this really meant, to be honest. I kind of pushed the whole thing aside, held my grudge and went on the retreat because I knew it was going to be fun and all my friends were going. I knew I was going to experience God. But, I didn’t expect to experience Him the way I did. The first night was good, met new people, we had our bible study, worship, had a time of sweet fellowship. I was away from the distractions at home, I was happy to be there. The next day, I was completely miserable, I missed the morning devo due to oversleeping and getting ready, lost track of time. So the enemy took advantage of that, and starting to mess with my head, bringing up all the things back at home. He cause me to worry about what was going on at home, and caused me to become stressed because I didn’t know what was going on. I didn’t eat all day, I didn’t really hangout with anybody, I missed out on all the activities, I was hurt. Broken like never before. But again all I did was push it to the side and tried to let it work itself out. We come to our final session that day, I didn’t get into worship, I stood there wondering when it was going to be over. Worship ends, we sit down in our seats, they announce the teacher and the title of the teaching. “Pain, and Suffering. Why its okay to experience Brokenness.”

Divine appointment, you’d say?

I so wasn’t ready for what was about to take place. The minute the speaker started talking, it was like the Lord was directly speaking to me. The speaker was talking about his sick grandfather, and how he had no control over what was going to happen to him, all he knew is what The Lord had spoke to him to ministry to his grandfather, and that his grandfather needed to come to know the Lord. He was kept talking about how much brokenness he experienced, the pain, the suffering. But he said once he laid it before the Alter of the King, let the Lord have control of the situations. His brokenness became beauty. His grandfather became saved, and all the uncertainly became clear. Because he died to himself, to follow Christ. I sat there and cried the whole service. I finally had my encounter, with my Savior. Once I let go, of all I had held inside, He finally had HIS way in me. I sat there, being held in the arms of my best friend, my sister in the Lord, while I was weeping, I felt the hands of the God just taking each worry, each piece of hurt, every broken piece, I felt Him taking all the junk out and filling it with Himself, with His unconditional love. We prayed together, and peace now dwells in my heart, I could laugh out of Joy in the Lord again. He took my brokenness, and turned it to beauty. Because I can now, let go and TRUST Him, and KNOW, He has control. I came back from that retreat refreshed and awakened. Peaceful. Healed. I understood how I need to be more faithful to the Lord just as He is me. I know He is going to create such beauty in the midst of my life. Because its HIM, working it all out. I no longer worry about what this year will hold. All I know is, when I hear that word, “Come.” I will follow.

The enemy has no victory over us. Jesus has won it all. So when the enemy, when he starts to fill your heart and mind with things that hurt, or scare you, or worry you, or are false. True away from him and listen to what God is speaking to you. Be in prayer. When we pray, we are admitting our needs, our helplessness, our brokenness. We are admitting our need for God’s power, willingness, and faithfulness. We are asking in faith. The only way we can fight the battle is if we are seeking the instruction of our Commander, Our Lord. Jesus, performed all of His amazing miracles and works, He was only able to do all He did, because He spent time in prayer. He spent time laying everything down before His father. Seeking His Fathers will and guidance. We need to be doing the same in order to encounter our Savior daily. Just like scripture says, when we draw near to God, He will draw near to us. (James 4:8) the same goes for the enemy. When we give up ourselves to the enemy and his doing, The enemy is drawing closer to us. luring us in. don't draw close to the enemy. Draw closer to God. Draw from His Living Water. Trust Him with all you are. He will grow you. Shape you. Turn your brokenness to beauty. Heal your hurting soul. And bring peace and joy to your heart.